Friday, April 1, 2011

4 Ways To Stop A Serial Killer

Since I'm on the issue of serial killers, I'll continue on and give you ways to stop a serial killer as well. While my previous post was about how to prevent yourself being killed, this post is focused on how to actually stop a serial killer.



Caution: If you are faced with a real serial killer, do NOT follow any of these methods. If you think that I am a suitable source of information and insist, for some insane reason on following any of these methods, I will not be paying for your funeral. Just saying.

#4 Surround yourself with friends and family. Arm them if necessary. There is safety in numbers and one of your hits will eventually kill him. Remember that friends, neighbors, and family members are all expendable. You can find more friends and start a new family.



#3 Distract the killer by sending one of your friends to lure him in a chase. Tire him out and then finish him off with a single gunshot or knife stab. This usually works in most cases, and to make sure you survive, get one of your friends to do the finishing blow. And if you are the one who is being chased at the moment, or chosen to finish him off, remember to choose your friends more wisely.

#2 Switch on Rebecca Black's Friday at maximum volume. Don't worry. The killer will be dead before you know it. Remember to plug up your ears or else you may suffer a similar fate.

#1 Killing the serial killer will not help you in any way. Sending your friends to kill the serial killer...ah...that's another issue. Again, if you are the one sent out to do the killing, you better choose your friends more wisely.



Cheerios!

Bonus tip: Choosing friends wisely



You must choose your friends wisely. The people around you will determine your fate in the prospect of being stuck in a serial killer's backyard. First, always choose a slutty girl friend, preferably one who loves to go topless on a whim. These girls tend to die almost immediately. Also surround yourself with hipsters, pranksters and jokers. These guys loves to talk up a storm and immediately get smothered on their own blood gurgling in their throats. Also, always have an ethnic friend, preferably someone black or Asian. These guys will always survive at the end no matter what and will help you survive as well.

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