Aussie Tales 7: 6 Tips for Grocery Shopping

The thing about being in Melbourne is the lack of a woman’s touch. Yes, I’m in desperate need of a girl who can cook, clean and just generally take care of me. And no, this is not a ploy to get girls. One of the most important things I need this girl to do is to buy groceries. Yes, this is exactly why I need people like my mom, who usually buys all the groceries so that the house is stocked full of food all the time.

In Melbourne, I am forced to do my own grocery shopping, because y’know, the groceries aren’t going to walk themselves to my front door. 

Back when I was in Malaysia, the only reason I went grocery shopping was so that I could stock up on candies, sweets and other unhealthy foods my mom would usually skip right past. I don’t have that luxury anymore because I’m perpectually broke and a candy bar here costs like AUD3.

In the midst of all this, I have picked up a few good tips of grocery shopping, which I will gladly share with you.

#6 Buy generic brands

Generic brands, in Malaysia are like the stepchildren of every supermarket. They are always there no matter how you try to avoid them, and with the help of their parents, they try to break into the family. It’s different in Australia. Generic brands actually do have quality. You would scoff at Jusco or Tesco brands but here, people buy the generic brands because they don’t give you the crappy quality stuff. These generic brands are like the newborn babies, so treasured and loved.

#5 Don’t be slow

See, grocery shopping is like a race. If you’re slow, the shelves will be empty and you will have to buy the expensive stuff. In this case, the Bolts of the supermarket are the housewives. They can literally break world records for grabbing the best deals. ‘So what? There’s plenty of stock.’ This is how losers think. Look at that picture above. Does that look like plenty of stock to you? No, it doesn’t. So don’t lose out. Instead, fight for the cheapest offers.

#4 Don’t shop hungry

Have you ever been hungry and told yourself ‘I’m so hungry I could eat a horse?’ Do you know what horse tastes like? I’ll tell you. It tastes disgusting, that’s why we eat chicken. Imagine you’re so hungry you would want to eat a horse. Now go to your nearest supermarket and prepare to sweep the shelves clean of everything. Studies have shown (and by studies I mean it happened to me personally) that a hungry person buys almost everything he ever wanted to eat. You are so hungry that horse steak seems like a possibility to you. What more aisle after aisle of delicious, delicious food?

#3 Don’t shop poor

Studies have shown (again, personal experience) that you cannot shop poor. This happened to me about 2 hours ago after the left my room sans money in my wallet. Luckily I have a debit card or else I’ll be forced to chuck about half the supermarket back into their original places. Yes, I violated point #4. Bite me.

#2 Look for offers

It doesn’t need to be said that you should always look out for the best offers. In the supermarket near my house, there is an unspoken rule among my friends and I that we should always look for the yellow labels. Yellow labels means offers and offers means no large gaping hole in your wallet. Of course, there are certain times when there will be no offers at all. This doesn’t mean that you should stop shopping. On the contrary, it’s a time for you to…

#1 Look for this guy

Yeah, he’s your guy. Good luck finding him.

Cheerios!